


ALWAYS STICK WITH YOUR BUDDY!

by babe_without_the_arms



Series: It's Always Weird in Philadelphia [2]
Category: Twin Peaks
Genre: Fluff and Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-06
Updated: 2017-04-06
Packaged: 2018-10-15 11:23:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10555482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babe_without_the_arms/pseuds/babe_without_the_arms
Summary: Gordon gives Albert a special assignment.Part 2 of It's Always Weird in Philadelphia, an ongoing series of short scenes about life at the Philly office.





	

Albert had been “chewed out” by his former supervisors many times before, but never by Gordon Cole, and certainly never for letting Dale Cooper wander off alone into the office hallway without supervision.

“RULE NUMBER ONE ABOUT SLDs, AGENT! WHAT IS IT!”

Albert had no idea what an “SLD” was, but he was sure it was something totally irrelevant to his work as a pathologist–or to reality, for that matter.

“Always wear a seatbelt?” He said, rolling his eyes.

“NO! ‘ALWAYS STICK WITH YOUR BUDDY!’ WE’RE DARN LUCKY THIS INCIDENT THIS MORNING WASN’T THE REAL THING! WHO KNOWS WHERE DALE COOPER WOULD BE IF IT HAD BEEN!”

Albert scowled, recoiling from the Gordon’s suggestion that he would somehow be at fault if Dale had managed to walk straight into nonexistence–and also how ridiculous it was that they were discussing such a scenario at all, at such an intolerable volume.

“Look, I don’t know what to tell you about Cooper’s little _LSD trip_ this morning–“

“THAT WOULD BE ‘SLD,’ ALBERT, A ‘SUSPECTED LUCID DREAM’ INCIDENT—OF WHICH THE EMERGENCY RESPONSE PROTOCOL MAY BE FOUND UNDER SECTION 6.4 OF THE SPECIAL TASK FORCE B AUTHORIZED FIELD MANUAL, WHICH WAS ISSUED TO YOU NINE MONTHS AGO AT YOUR DATE OF TRANSFER TO THIS OFFICE! I’M BEGINNING TO THINK YOU NEVER READ SECTION 6.4 TO BEGIN WITH!”

Gordon was referring to a section he had personally written as an addendum to chapter 6 of the FBI employee manual, which Albert had sensibly not read, due to the fact that the article heading alone of “EMERGENCY RESPONSE PROTOCOL, SECTION 4: DREAMS AND DIMENSIONS” had given him a headache to match even the worst symptoms of nicotine withdrawal.

Albert bristled. “I must have got it confused with Section 5.2, “Gastroenterological First Aid for Rainbow-Farting Unicorns.” He got up and went back to his desk to start packing lab reports into his briefcase to take down to the lab. He was not going to stick around to be yelled at about his work performance, much less his failure to properly identify “high risk xenopsychological phenomena” of all things. “Gordon, I have a hell of a lot of work to do, most of which is for _you_ , so if you want these autopsies finished before those cadavers turn into hallucinogenic moon dust or interdimensional dream monkeys or whatever you think happens to people after they die, may I suggest you take your concerns to an employee that utilizes a ‘modus operandi’ other than _medical science_.”

Gordon likely had missed more than half of what Albert had just rattled off, but familiarity with Albert’s demeanor filled in the gaps.“THIS IS NO LAUGHING MATTER, ALBERT! AND TO MAKE MY POINT VERY CLEAR, YOUR LAB CLEARANCE IS REVOKED UNTIL I HAVE A HANDWRITTEN, LINE BY LINE REWRITE OF SECTION 6.4. FROM YOU ON MY DESK! I SUGGEST YOU GET ON IT IMMEDIATELY, BECAUSE I WILL NOT BE MAKING ADJUSTMENTS TO YOUR WORKLOAD TO ACCOMMODATE THIS TASK!”

Albert stared at Gordon in disbelief. “You’re giving me _detention_? What is this, junior high?!”

Suddenly a phone rang on Gordon’s desk, and Gordon held up a hand to quiet him. Albert fumed silently, debating a transfer request for the fifth time since he had arrived in this clown circus of a Bureau office.

“HELLO?” Gordon shouted into the phone.“I SAID HELLO! OH, COLONEL! YES, I’LL BE THERE IN A FEW MINUTES! YES, OF COURSE! ALL RIGHT! WHAT? ALL RIGHT! WHAT? ALL RIGHT! SEE YOU THEN! OKAY, COLONEL! GOODBYE!” Gordon hung up. “ALBERT, THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD! FRANKLY, I THINK THE DAY IS COMING SOON WHEN YOU’LL BE THANKING ME FOR THIS!” Gordon folded his trenchcoat over his arm and headed toward the door, briefcase in hand. “I’LL BE BACK IN A COUPLE OF HOURS! I LOOK FORWARD TO YOUR REWRITE! CROSS THOSE Ts AND DOT THOSE Is, AGENT!”

“I’LL BE CROSSING THOSE Ts ON MY TRANSFER REQUEST FORM!” yelled Albert after him, knowing Gordon probably didn’t hear him–or at least, was pretending not to hear him.


End file.
